Arg. So, yeah, it may be a hand-me down and a bit old, but still... My ipod nano is dying. Why!? Frustration abounds.
So, I am sitting here at the General's house while he and Cap are off doing narrator-type things.
For the first time in 7 years, I am not doing narrator-type things. It's not killing me, but I think it's only not killing me because I can't let it kill me. You know?
I have had the Woods give me shit for the past two years; I'm not sure why I thought this year would be different. I broke my ankle, I have a cast; I sprained the other, but I'm able to get around in a wheelchair or on crutches for small periods of time. I am healing.
I had expected that, after as long I had been there, that the people in charge would be able to find SOMEthing for me to do to be able to help out. I gave up plenty of potentially fun cons to be here in October. I didn't *plan* on breaking my ankle, after all.
Instead, they just tell me that things are "all full up" and that they cannot think of anything I could do. It is really upsetting, because one minute I am one of their top 5 (oh, sorry, slip of the tongue, he MEANT to say 3 off the bat) narrators, who is going to train the new ones, someone who has worked for no pay to help make the script because I ENJOY working on it with Bob, and then.... I break. And now I am useless. All my creativity, and drive, and energy... worthless.
All because I cannot stand.
Thursday night, it will be the first opening night I will not be able to be at. I am... not sure. I mean... I'm just really upset right now. And I wish that I could find a way of getting it all out.
I'm going to celebrate my birthday in a few weeks. My friends will be at the Woods, and I'll be home. I don't... I don't really much care for my birthday, but I usually at least do something about it. I sort of view my birthday as a lonely time, and just try to put myself with people I care about, and maybe do something nice for them- like make pumpkin cookies. I dislike presents, I dislike parties that celebrate me. But it doesn't mean I want to be alone and moping.
I am happy that, if I cannot be a narrator this year, that at least Cap will be. He will have a chance to try something new, and do so with the Baron, the General, and Lord Bob at his side. ^_^ He has developed a character, and I'm very excited to hear how he goes over with guests and the other narrators.
I guess I will just keep my eyes forward: to getting this cast off, to physical therapy to regrow the muscles, to Bakucon on Halloween- my personal Christmas and New Years, to gaming in November, to New England Fan Experience, to AAC. To heading south. To working on Wicked. To TempleCon. To Worlds Fair.
I'm writing again. Slowly. But I'm writing again. I need to make items to sell at the up-coming cons, but when I'm not doing that, I hope to be writing. I should have enough time; I should be able to nanowrimo myself through October, perhaps.
Even though I have a broken ankle and this is going to be a very personally trying month, I think it is ultimately a good thing. Rather, it has more positives than negatives.
Broken ankle, cast, can't walk on own two feet
Cant work the Woods, see my friends, scare customers, see the repeat customers who know me as Odette
Can't go for walks, take normal showers
Got to spend a week and a half at Jeff's, with Auggie- a very very delightful and unexpected silver lining, as I was pretty sure I would never spend more than a few minutes with my cat potentially ever again
I can spend the next month working on merch rather than stressing about it in-between Woods time
I don't have to feel badly about very likely not going back to the Woods next year, since they have shown me how unnecessary I am to the bosses (though, to my co-workers is another story: they have expressed that they'll miss me, and I already miss them :( )
I can spend time writing
I can spend time talking to Lois
I might even get some more drawing in
If the DVD player and DVDs get here, I might be able to re-watch Star Trek: Next Gen
I am building up arm strength via the crutches! :D
And I'm also grateful for the kindness others have extended to me: I wouldn't have this wheelchair, or this cast, without the Machs. The General is very nice to have us here in his home, as I know how he likes his privacy and things not being messed up.
So... positives are weirdly out-weighing the negatives. The negatives are pretty heavy hitters, but they can go jump off a cliff for all I care. A broken ankle isn't going to break me. I won't let it.
Thanks for listening.